Dear Uncertainty...

Yeah I just wrote a letter to " Uncertainty", seems odd but strangely enough seeing it made me think about the last few years of my life. According to the dictionary, uncertainty:is the unknown, the doubtful, the one thing that has not been revealed. In the last few years uncertainty has been the one thing in my life that has been constant among other things.  If anyone knows me well enough and close enough they know that things have not been easy. I have at times questioned, wondered and prayed about these uncertain times.
And guilty mostly at allowing it to ruin my day sometimes. I get caught up in the sadness, disappointments, or setbacks. I have had to ask forgiveness, reset, and regroup over and over again.
There are so many things that we will never understand. The past few years I have dealt with all of this personally or have seen this happen within my inner circle: the death of those we loved or didn't have a chance to love, rejection from those we trusted in, accidental deaths, incurable sickness, the bipolar and untreated toxic family member who continues to cause chaos, mental illnesses, the job losses, the financial crisis, depression, loved one's who betray us, loved ones who choose not love you or be part of your life! All of it happens and all of it hurts,confuses, and bewilders even the strongest of souls.
How does anyone even get past it all? How can you go on with this darkness in your spirit sometimes that you feel is beyond being lit again, how can you soar when you feel like you have lost all will or reason?
I have learned that to question is ok... but in times where it seems "bittering" we need God. Not a god, but the one true GOD. We can stand on the corner of bitter or better and choose to walk in bitter but if we do it will destroy you from the inside out. We need a hope to believe in, we need a foundation stronger then who we are, and what we think were made of, and it only comes from obtaining faith. Faith is not a crutch, faith is the reason and hope that we all need when we go through things we don't understand.
We must choose in our minds that today will not be a day we will allow uncertainty to ruin us.
Whatever it is that you are going through today, you have to know that you are certainly not alone, this time is only temporary, and tomorrow is a new day.
But as for today... do not allow what you don't understand keep you from all that God has purposed you for in this lifetime.

What is the cause of poor church leadership?

A question that all of us ask ourselves at some point or another. The one aspect of this that is especially hard is when you have been hurt within a circle of people in which you should have been safe. A general assumption would be that a church leader could lead with integrity and strength, but when church leadership lets you down, where do you turn? It is so easy to be angry and confused. All of which are completely justified emotions.

In the church the leaders appointed should lead to a higher standard, but we live in a fallen world and unless those leaders are really called to be leaders and supposed to be in those positions... they will hurt people along the way because of several reasons. 

- The title they were given was based upon desperation/ seniority versus real qualifications. 
- There is a lack of real training.
- They are filling a position and that's it, they are not really called to be in it.
- Complacency, jealousy or stagnation set in. 
-Terrible accountability such as appointing board who pay the salaries and are their buddies , it is a I will pat your back if you pat mine...mentality. 

Whatever the reason don't underestimate the damage a poor leader can have on people. A leader that is allowed to operate in this way will be driven with selfish ambition and will most likely sabatoge anyone or anything that could get in their own way or agenda that will change their culture and what makes them feel comfortable.

What to do if you have been hurt by poor leadership?
Seek some counseling to heal from the hurt and betrayel.
Stay far away from those people who have hurt you.
Seek truth and know that God wants you to be in church and staying away from them because you have been hurt is just a way for you to be aliented from real friends.

Restoration- How God used an old barn door to help me tell a story!

Over the weekend I had an opportunity to spend a day with my mom and dad. I love the chance to go back home, something about being home calms and centers me. Maybe its the fresh mountain air, or the memories of a childhood full of laughter and fun, I don't know but whatever it is, I love being there and as I get older I cherish it more and more. Well, I know some of you do not know my dad, but he is a "collector" you could say of things he feels he will use one day. Some may say hoarder..but that is taking it a bit too far. I find his garage and shed to be a place of great options for projects!! I know my mom does too! I mentioned to my dad I needed some old barn wood for a project. ( I knew he would have just what I needed somewhere) That is the best thing about my dad, he has a "supply" and the nails to go with it anytime you ask. I loved that about my dad growing up, he could fix anything, and create stuff with old things. Maybe that is where I come up with these ideas? Although, I know this time he did not see my "vision" for these pieces of barn wood.
We dug out the wood and I told him I wanted to transform these banged up pieces into art for my wall. He looked at me several times and kept asking, "are you sure?"
We worked together at gathering up the wood then he helped me assemble my little masterpiece. You see, I had a plan, the entire time of what I wanted to do with that old discarded board. No one really could see it but me, even during the process, I could tell even my dad who was helping me so willingly was wondering what in the world I could do with this old stuff that had clearly seen better days! But I knew.... I knew that restoration and restoring wood takes time. I knew that the time put into it would require some work,polishing,cutting and sanding! In the end  though I knew if I could take these broken pieces of material and assemble something beautiful it would be worth it. It was even better that I was able to work on this with my dad. It has been years since I could work beside him, when I was a little girl I never wanted to leave his side...always wanted to help! I am sure I slowed him down more times than he would ever admit, but he never pushed me off or scolded me, he always let me tag along.
Anyway, back to my project...so I brought it all home, put it down in my garage and started to brush off the cobwebs, the dust, and old paint pieces. Obviously this wood has been around quite a long time!

After the sanding, cutting, and pounding back together.I started to stain the wood and because of the neglect for years, the stain just sunk deep into its very core, the deepest parts of it's being was thirsty and ready for change. ( I was ready for it too!) Seeing it soak it up reminded me of myself, when I am so ready for the things of God to really fill me. to satisfy my deepest parts. I could relate!
Then I brought out the paintbrush, a detail you can not overlook in the restoring process, the brush will get the tiny cracks and heal where no one else really sees. (But those cracks they are so deep, so so deep, and need to be filled! They need to be filled with only what the master artist could fill it with!)

I worked for hours, my back was pounding and I was ready to get this baby hung up on the wall, but I knew I needed to keep going and the process would be worth it. I thought of quotes, millions of quotes, which should I pick? I spent hours trying to decide what would be best for this precious piece, that by this time I have grown to love and adore. My goodness, the whole family now was really excited and waiting too. My little girls have been wondering what is happening out in that garage, mom has been out there for hours! So I began to paint, and this is what came out!I thought how much time must God put into us, our mistakes, needs, and desires. He knows it all and yet pursues us with a passion and love that only He could give, He see's our true potential. He knows what we are capable of no matter what we come from or what we have done.

Funny thing about the phrase, "It is WELL with my SOUL...." is that the very words were penned during one of the most heartbreaking moments in another mans life , yet he knew where HIS anchor was and that no matter what happened, God would not forsake him.
So true and ironic this old barn door, what we see in the natural and what it looks like, looks alot like us, before God gets hold of us, He takes what is otherwise considered useless, discarded, and restores it to a beautiful creation. The deep and edgy cracks that no one sees or runs away from he fills with His healing power and spirit. He makes all things new, and believes in the possibilities of what could be! He believes in you! He believes in me. I mess up, I need him daily. I am hoping this old barn door which I plan on hanging today will be that reminder to me. God is an anchor for my soul and IT IS WELL!

Mom, you are beautiful!

It was one of those days, I am sure if you are a parent or have had a parent you can relate to what I am about to share. The time on the clock seemed to somehow reach out and slap me in the face as I quickly glanced at it and realized it was not even 8 am. A weekday! Yes a busy work filled, purpose driven day, full of everything it needed and most of what I did not in that moment. I was a mom, a wife, a women's leader, a business owner, and the list goes on. I had a list of orders to fill, clients to call, laundry piling, and a mound of 58  socks that I can not seem to find their mate! I had a puppy barking for breakfast, a husband who could not find his keys, a 5 year old who had a bloody nose, and a 2 year old who pooped her way into a new day! It was lovely. I had no time for my needs. I wanted a shower. I wanted to do my hair, I wanted to brush my teeth, drink some water, and make myself a healthy breakfast, but that was no where in sight; not for at least an hour or two ( if I was lucky).
I felt sick, I felt overwhelmed. I needed strength! I need a life coach for crying out loud! I needed to go down stairs and read some of my own material! What I really wanted though was to get in my car drive to the nearest Starbucks, get my misto and check in to the nearest day spa and stay there until it all just went away. The needs, they were great. The neediness of my little family, my adorable puppy,endless emails, the job,church ministries,unpaid bills, my ghastly hair, and my hungry stomach; it was screaming silently at me. And I wanted it to just, "Stop!"
Have you been there? If you are being honest I know you can relate! I was tired, deeply! In that moment I went to work, I pushed through how I felt. I packed the lunch, kicked the 58  socks into a corner, pulled my out of control hair back, and cleaned up the poop. (literally)
But I was sad, overwhelmed, and exhausted. It was not even 8 am remember! I managed to sit for a few moments to sip the cold coffee I poured 30 minutes ago and my five year old looked at me,as she was getting ready to walk out the door for school. Her free spirit and love of life captured my heart. Here was this beautiful little child, my child! She had no idea of the pressures of life I had been living through, she did not know that mommy had a bunch of bills to pay and there was not enough money,she did not know her sister had welcomed the day with a dirty diaper, she did not even care that there were 58 pairs of socks laying on the floor. All she knew was that I was here with her, (as bad as I felt).
I bent down to kiss her head and she grabbed my face and looked up at me and said, "Mom, I think you are beautiful! "
I could have given her a million kisses in that moment if it were possible. She spoke life into my very being. I can assure you I was not beautiful in that moment. I felt hurried, tired, broken, and obviously un-showered. I will not forget that moment in time. It was just a second, a small phrase spoken by my little brown eyed girl, but she was used to speak an incredible amount of renewed energy into my very being.
You see; moms and dads, we do a ton. A ton of which is never seen by anyone at times. Most times, most people have no idea what is really going on in your life. There are moms out there who are tired, worn down, and lost in the transition. There are dads out there who seem to try to do it all with no end in sight. You are not alone and this is not in vain. ( I am taking this all in!)
You have no idea the difference you make in the lives of those you live with. To them, you are their world, you make it what ever you display.
I know it is stinken hard, I am not going to say I think parenting is easy. I think its the toughest job out there. This is coming from a girl who worked three jobs in my 20's just to survive. I am telling you being a parent, working, and keeping your family strong is a major deal! A huge sacrifice.
I never knew how much was invested. I can tell you one thing, I appreciate my mom and dad more now than ever before. Now that I'm the one up to my elbows in poop, stress, and mornings without a shower. I can tell you one thing, I know it won't last. These day are fleeting and we need to hold on to the moments when we can find solace in the eyes of your children, the beautiful little one's that you will hand off your legacy to. Let it be one worth handing over.

Take a deep breath! It's going faster than you think!

Is it follow the leader?

I've heard the phrase from time to time that, "you know when you are a leader when you turn around and people are following you." A true leader in business , ministry, or community leads by example. If you need to constantly remind people that you are the leader, there's a pretty good indicator that your not doing your job. Setting a standard for how things should be done needs to come from the top down. Things just don't fall into their places without clear vision and direction. I'm even more motivated to have clear goals, set forth vision, and standards for how I carry my own life and business. The last few months I have seen poor examples of leadership, makes my heart heavy and my spirit motivated. If you have found yourself in a position where you are not valued, your are being taken advantage of or abused, get out of the unhealthy place you are in. Unhealthy places and people take on many forms. I want to encourage you to stay true to who you are no matter what comes against you. Progress is necessary for people to grow and thrive. The process can be painful but just know that anytime you are doing great things , there are those who will not want to celebrate that with you. Shake off the dust and move on, they are not worth your time and energy.
It starts with you...be the positive changes you want to see!!

MOTIVATION!! Refuse to believe the lies you tell yourself

Invest in a young girl

Revolutionary thinker

One of the motto's I have blasted across all my life coaching materials, is the phrase: Thriving not just surviving! While I look at that every day , I also have it posted in various places around my home, I am reminded constantly of the mindset. A healthy mindset is not something that really can be optional in choosing how to live a better life. When you are in survival mode, you are just getting through each day. But thriving gives you hope and passion to drive through your circumstances and come out and above it. NO one can control what happens to them, life is so messy, hard, and painful. We can control our thought life though and turn our thoughts on positive things and surround our minds with the good thoughts. Becoming healthier starts on the inside. In almost every aspect health is something that starts inside. Just like diseases: cancer, diabetes...no one just GETS those types of things, they develop over time from the inside and surface later. What you feed yourself physically will help or harm you. It is the same with our emotions, and our spiritual lives. Anything that is living needs to grow or it is dying. Don't be just a survivor. THRIVE where you are, use the abilities and strengths you have been given, make lasting change in your life and those around you. Be a revolutionary thinker and have a mighty mindset!!

What I learned yesterday....

So I am beginning to think of a new series of chapters in a new book. I feel as I get older the more you see in people and about life. Health is an aspect that runs so deep. It is more than just physical, health is emotional, mental, and spiritual. I am beginning to learn what to hold close and what to let go of in my own life so that I can be the healthiest person I know how to be for me and my family. So here are a few things that I recently had some light shed on in my own life and I have to tell you, it is freeing to understand. 1- Spend more time with the people that celebrate with you and celebrate you! Too many times we spend time around people who you tolerate or you feel just tolerate you....that may be for a time but let's face it,You can not grow into the person you were meant to be by constantly around people who really cant see past you or celebrate your victories and success. You want to be around those who believe in your potential, your goals and your dreams. 2- Stop investing time and effort into those who really just don't give a flying leap. For whatever reason there are always those people you would like to be closer to, so you invite them over, try to allow them to be part of your life and they will always shut you out,no matter how hard you try. SO STOP! There are other people who would love to spend time with you and develop a more meaningful relationship. 3- Every time you say no to something, you are saying yes to something else. Make sure you are saying YES to the things that really matter!!

Take Action! Today!

The critical ingredient is getting off your butt and doing something. It's as simple as that. A lot of people have ideas, but there are few who decide to do something about them now. Not tomorrow. Not next week. But today. The true entrepreneur is a doer, not a dreamer.  - Robert Browning 

 I just love this...I had to share this today. Too many times we put off things until someday...
Some day is today!

Dealing with manipulative people

Manipulative people can surface in many relationships. It is important not to confuse manipulation with "influence" . Someone that is influential creates balance and health and spurs you on to be a better person and reach your goals. Manipulation however is a tactic used to control others through lies, remarks, stories, actions,financial means, etc. It can rear its ugly head in many ways. What do you do and how do you handle this, especially if you have someone close to you has been manipulating people all their life. For some it is a way of life. It is not the correct way of life though. People like this are fearful, and in most cases can be very dramatic with their every day life. Most of the time their ultimate desire is self based and they will not have close personal relationships with others. Ultimately their manipulation backfires. But nonetheless, they can be difficult to deal with and you need to be able to recognize manipulation and stand up to it.
In some cases the manipulative person can and will target who they "can" and can't manipulate. Keep in mind....from an earlier post,.....There is no show without an audience! Same for manipulators....they can not manipulate others, if they are not allowed. If someone feels they can manipulate you, they will keep calling, keep coming back, and continuously showing up in your life for something unhealthy.
Keep a balance in your relationships. Keep manipulators at a distance. It takes two to tango...and it always involves two when their are unhealthy patterns. Have nothing to do with it! So, I know the question is there, what do you do when this person is someone in your family? A spouse, parent, or child. Obviously those relationships you can not walk completely away from. BUT, you need to be very specific, clarify what you will and will not allow and enforce that you have boundaries. This will not be easy, you will have differing opinions, but you need to keep unhealthy people in your life at a distance and make them understand how far they can go.
Maintain your character. Manipulative people lie. Keep this tactic in mind. Remember, manipulative people are driven by fear and insecurity and will do whatever it takes to make themselves feel better. Be true to who you are,  who have you always been, manipulators have a pattern and I guarantee you are not the only one in their lives who sees it.
Set limits with people who try to manipulate you and clarify what it is that the relationship will be. Some people you just can not be close to in all of the ways you want to be because of unhealthy patterns or destructive habits.

 photo:http://www.activatemg.co.nz/middle-management-development/

Leave the NOT POSSIBLE, behind!

Success is not a far off dream that you cannot attain.Success is not a dream that doesn’t happen.
Success is not a “maybe”.... Success is leaving that, "NOT POSSIBLE" behind. Turn all of the obstacles into stepping stones.Get out of your own way, sometimes you are the biggest reason things have not changed. Never accept defeat.Get excited.Think big.Make it happen.Be part of the one percent that DO IT! Leaving behind the people or the things that make you believe that your dreams are not possible....can be a very tough thing to do. Obstacles come in all kinds of forms. I have really had my share of obstacles, too many to write on here and honestly, I really do not want to focus on them anymore. Learn to use the things that trip you up as a tool to get higher to your ultimate goals and dreams. It does not matter what town you are from, it does not matter what family you had or did not have, it does not matter who has come against you, what matters is that you make a choice today to never be the same. Look to the future. Know that the plans and purposes are planted deep in your heart and it is up to you to fulfill them and get out of your own way.

Why do unhealthy people resist change?

It is one of those questions I ask myself all the time, "Why do unhealthy people resist change?" You would imagine that an unhealthy person would want to get healthy and in many cases they do, but for some it really is a struggle. I am not even talking about the physical aspect of things, I am talking about the over all person from the inside out. Relationships can make people toxic and unhealthy, yet they stick around those people who will continue to abuse them, their trust, resources, etc. It makes no sense to me. However, if everyone were content and healthy I would be out of a job and we would all be in heaven. This side of heaven people will always have issues. It is how one handle things that make the difference.
There are some who have been living so unhealthy in so many areas of their life that if the healthy "bug" came up behind them and bit them in the rear end, they still would not be able to recognize it or even accept it. In fact, they may even reject 'healthy' because they do not know any better.
Most of the time the one(s) who are living in an unhealthy situation will not see it until something drastic happens. Recognizing that there needs to be lifestyle changes is the one key piece that will make the true difference.
We have heard the phrase, 'you can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink,' it is cliche i know but very true. You can tell someone the truth, even if it hurts. You may also show them a better way, but you will never be able to make them change.
People change when they want to change and when their pain is greater for them then the fear of change itself.
What can you do as a person surrounded by unhealthy people?
Here are a few to start:
1. Be the change you want to see- all you can do is live your life the way you want to live and live it out healthy, true, and whole. Sooner or later those around you that have been spinning out of control will either spin out of your life all together or they will see a difference and maybe one day want some of that difference.
2. Keep healthy boundaries- stand your ground. Those who are unhealthy will reject your boundaries and manipulate you to feel guilty, feel sorry for taking a stand, for leaving, etc... STAND your GROUND!
Pick up the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend.... awesome resource!!! Every family in America should read this book.
3. Seek Counseling- there is no shame in seeking wise counsel. Seek it...and find it...and do it! 
These are just a couple things but know that every day, every person has a choice. They have a choice to survive or thrive. Thriving is the way I want to live....how about you?

What is spoiling your life?

I know it seems like a strong question to be asking, but seriously ask yourself, "What is spoiling my life?" There is a passage of scripture that I can not help but think of, "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. Song of Solomon 2:15. " You see we have a vineyard, in the sense that we have our lives. Our lives are precious, short, and are meant to be lived to make an impact on the people around us. We were all created with purpose and thought. When we allow the sly little foxes to come into our life, over time they begin to ruin seeds that are planted and meant for growth. Many times the "foxes' can actually kill and ruin an entire crop.
So what is a fox? Well, a fox actually represents many things and even other people. What are the little foxes that are attempting to destroy your life and well being?
We are in a new season of life. A time of Spring is now upon each and everyone of us. The cold harsh winds of winter have blown through each and every one of our spirits at some time or another. But with the newness of spring, growth, and renewal bloom forth.
It is funny but a good observation and something I have always noticed in my life and while talking with others is that the little foxes always seem to come prowling around when we are getting our lives in order. Little foxes continue to eat away and gnaw at whatever they can in your life until it becomes a bigger fox. Sly foxes are not easy to catch and take down, they are sly, they are cunning, and they know where you are. But to catch a fox is not impossible, it is about recognizing it is there, it is ruining your "vineyard" of life and you will no longer tolerate it.
There are things we have to hold onto in life, things that are precious and are important. So go and discover what little foxes are attacking your life....it is time for growth, new beginnings, and victory.

The Giver of Dreams

Recently I have been home more and working less as we prepare for the birth of our second child. I have to tell you that there is nothing like having children that truly makes you realize how selfless you need to be in order to be a good parent. Also it makes you reflect sometimes as you think about your life and the changes you will face, and wanting to still pursue your dreams. I am not saying parenting is not a dream, because of course having your own children and raising them to adulthood is a huge accomplishment and needs to be valued more in our society.  Women are so extremely gifted and talented and have also been given dreams by the ultimate dream Giver. God is a dream giver. There are desires and dreams in the hearts of all of us and they are there for a reason. They were given to you. A dream is like a gift, you are given it and expected to pursue it and to not stop until you have gotten there. People need to have vision and live purposeful lives,to move past the place of familiar and reach out into the land of unknown to find what your potential is in life. I dare you today to move past ordinary and go for something you never thought you would or always wanted to accomplish. It is never too late. If God did give you a dream, He will show you how to accomplish it and give you the means to do it.

Check out this great book, "The Dream Giver." This book will inspire and give you a refreshing outlook on pursuing your higher calling. 

Taking Charge!

"Take charge of your life, dare to try new things,define your dreams and achieve them,start your day with a clear idea of what you can accomplish and go for your goals! Live your life on purpose. You were made for it!"
That saying alone is filled with enormous challenges and hope. You see when you realize that you are capable of turning your mentality from a survivor way of thinking to a thriving way of thinking, your entire life changes. Have you ever seen someone or been that someone that is in survival mode? It is gut wrenching and painful to watch. I have been there. Survival mode is thinking, I need to get through this day and the person is consumed by overwhelming circumstances. Thriving mode takes an entirely new turn, it is the mindset that you are not only going to get through the day but you have hope and purpose in your heart to live the life you were intended to have from the moment of your existence. 
Take Charge! And no I do not mean be a boss of others. I mean literally take charge of your own life. Grab your boot straps and put on your big girl panties and figure out a way to deal with the mess, whether or not you were the one who created it, you can find a way out of it. One step at a time. One choice at a time. One moment at a time. YOU can do this! 
Dare! I dare you to try new things. New does not have to mean bad. New can mean refreshing, uplifting, healthier, freedom, abundance, and growth. You have heard the saying, "Some people never change! " Well it is true. Some people never do, but that does not mean that they are incapable of changes, it just means they resist them and never dare to dream or become a different and better individual who is healthy from the inside out. 
Define Your Dreams! Write them out and over and over again. If you have done this at any time in your past, do it again. It is never too late to define, refine, and maybe come up with some new dreams. Seeing them on paper with your handwriting burns impressions in your mind and heart that you can not let go of and it is a great reminder of what life is all about. 
Live On Purpose! To live a healthy life from the inside out and live on purpose means that you will come to understand you were made for greater purposes than to just walk around and do the daily grind. Other people need you, people are counting on you to become all you need to be, your health becomes more of a constant state of mind as you realize, without your health, you have nothing. One becomes less self centered and more kind as the focus turns from one' s self to others as you come to an understanding that life is short, and about leaving your legacy. Many people think that to take care of themselves it is selfish. Taking care of yourself is actually the opposite, it shows other people you have a deep respect for life, God, family, and for making the most of your life. 


So go and live your life. Live the life you were meant to live. If that means changes, than I dare you to change. Fear only keeps you where you always have been and never helps you get to where you want to go.  

photo credit:paintermagazine.co.uk

Celebrating Victories

I don't know about you, but I can guess you have had some victories in your life and some things that maybe have not been so great either. I think the one thing that surprises me, even though I have seen this happen many times in my own life or even with other's, is that people you feel should be happy for you, are not.
True friends and family will celebrate your most incredible victories no matter how big or small and will be there when you are in the lowest points of darkness in your life as well. That is what makes a friend a true and steadfast factor in your life.
I live in a neighborhood currently where 85% of the population is from another country. Yes, they are not familiar with this land, and I am also not familiar with theirs. I actually feel sometimes I live more amongst their own culture then my own because I am the minority. However, the other day I had a most amazing conversation that crossed all cultural bounds with my neighbor. She stood and spoke with me of how if her and her husband ever returned to  their own country, their own family would not be happy for them because they have succeeded so much here and made something of themselves. How interesting! Even in a culture so very different than ours. Jealousy still runs deep.
Why can't people, the one's you dearly love just be happy for you? It is the dark places in hearts that most never want to expose. The outward appearance of all that could be happy, with a fake smile, but somewhere deep inside there is that nagging feeling of, Why them? Why not me? He does not deserve that? She should never get to have that when I never did?
It is terrible, but the truth.
In my own life I have been in the most darkest of nights that my soul ached and my heart was so heavy I barley knew if I could get up off the floor most days from sobbing. In those times there has been one maybe two people that I knew I could share my inner most thoughts and they would never judge me, but be honest and true and most off all love me unconditionally. To this day, I consider them my closest and dearest earthly treasures.
These are the kinds of individuals that you strive to make connection with and in your whole life you maybe have 4 or 5 at the most, that you will ever be that totally open and transparent with on a daily basis. These dear one's celebrate your victories, even if it is so small as, "you got through one day without a donut!". These are the jewels in your life that shine through all the muck you have had to tread through to get to where you are today.
Celebrating every little thing today can change your entire life, your way of thinking, your way of acting, and your way of loving! Thank you to the dear treasures God has placed in my life. I hope you too, can find a few of your own.

Healthy Choices...Lead to a Healthier Life.

A healthy lifestyle is a choice.However, not just one but a series of small choices over time that lead to a complete lifestyle change. People ask me or want to know the secrets of getting healthier faster, it is a series of choices! Changing takes time. You have to pinpoint the most critical areas of "unhealth" in your life first.

Maybe for some it is emotional. Others it may be physical. Many times for people there is a spiritual sickness that plagues all aspects of their life. It could be a combination of all areas. In your life every aspect: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual are all connected.

Becoming healthier begins on the inside and works it's way out. You have to want to become healthier, really WANT it. Once you desire to be healthier, you can begin to look at small areas that need to be looked at and addressed right away. 

Do not let guilt control your life. If you mess up one day that does not mean you have "blown" it. Get over that choice and move on and most importantly LEARN from it.

Picking "Safe" Relationships

Have you ever wondered why some relationships you see grow and are nurtured into a loving and mutually respecting relationship, and others you have seen seem to be abusive and hurtful in nature. It is because one or both of the people are "unsafe" to be in a relationship. Has there been someone you have found to be extremely alluring and charming and later have found yourself to be hurt deeply wounded by this person's behavior or actions?
You have to be wise, typically people will fall into patterns of choosing who they will befriend, date, or marry. This is where you need to take a step back and evaluate your personal relationships. It is extremely hard when you find that unsafe people are in your family. This can be due to the fact that there is a psychological condition left untreated, abuse, criminal activity, manipulative personality etc. This can be completely devastating to close family members, because ultimately you want to be able to trust and consider your family a safe haven or your home a place of refuge.
If you are being abused you need to seek help. There is nothing worse then living in a situation where this is taking place. I don't care if your married or not. Even in a marriage, abuse is never to be tolerated on any level. Many people think that because this is a family situation it should be overlooked or forgotten about. That could not be further from the truth.
Here is a list of things you need to look for when dealing with interpersonal relationships. You need to understand what is wise to let close to your heart and what you need to distance yourself from.
These are concepts taken from the book, "Safe People," which you will see referenced and for order at the bottom of the article.

UNSAFE PEOPLE

1. Think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses.

2. Are defensive instead of open to feedback.

3. Are self-righteous instead of humble.

4. Only apologize instead of changing their behavior. (SHOW NO GUILT OR REMORSE FOR ACTION)

5. Avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them.

6. Demand trust, instead of earning it.

7. Belive they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.

8. Blame others instead of taking responsibility.

9. Will lie instead of being honest. ( THIS WILL BE REPEATED)

10. Are stagnant instead of growing.

11. Avoid closeness instead of connecting.

12. Are only concerned about "I" instead of "we" (not relationship centered)

13. Resist freedom instead of encouraging it.

14. Condemn us instead of forgiving us.

15. Stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals. (CAN BE CODEPENDENT) 

16. Are unstable over time instead of being consistent. (PATTERNS REPEAT)

17. Are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.

18. Gossip instead of keeping our confidences. (CAN NOT CONTROL THEIR MOUTH)

SAFE PEOPLE

1. Value love - connection - have the ability to trust.

2. Value responsibility (take responsibility for themselves and value that in others) Neither overly dependent on others nor codependent - feeling responsible for others

3. Value honesty - ability to be known - transparent - who they really are.

4. Working on their own issues

5. Respond to truth

6. Have a good track record (may fail, but learn from failure and move on, are in progress of making a good track record even if this is a new beginning for them)

7. Can be observed and tested - see them in interactions with other people (test them with a small part of yourself, share a part of your heart and see what happens)

8. Bear good fruit in your life by being with them (encourage you to grow individually and in your connection with other people)

If you are in an unsafe relationship or know of people who are generally unsafe for you, it is time to make some TOUGH choices. These may be the most difficult choices ever made in your life. These may actually bring about huge disturbances, but you need to be safe. You must protect your heart, your health, and your family.

It  is wise to use discernment! 

Dealing with chaotic people

This has been a question I have asked myself for several years now. It is unfortunate that there are so many people who seem to thrive off "chaos". I recently had a long and meaningful talk with a dearly loved family member who has struggled with the same questions for years. This is an incredibly hard thing to describe or deal with for those who have known people like this or have experienced it, you know how gut wrenching it is to watch people spiral out of control. There is nothing you can do to stop the behavior, the behavior happens for many reasons. In most cases this is in fact a personality disorder that does need medical and professional treatment and many never seek it.
For those left to pick up their pieces or live in the pain, destruction, and confusion they have left everyone in, it can be one of the hardest struggles you have to fight. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. Keep a healthy separation from the person who is destructive.
2. The drama has to end when there is not a listening ear.
3. Set boundaries! Stick to them.
4. Do not conduct business or personal affairs with destructive individuals.
5. Tough love is key. The person is 'enabled" to continue when they are given money, provisions, and sympathy.
6. Removing yourself from the situation may be necessary. This may have to be permanent depending on the severity of an issue.
7. Call the authorities if you are being abused in any way. Violations of law and criminal acts,should never be tolerated even within your family. When it is a close family member, many struggle with the emotional attachments rather than their own safety. You need to do what is best for you.
8. Lost ideals are going to surface in your mind about how you wish this relationship could have been, accept that as a consequence of this persons behavior and move on. There are other people who will value you and cherish your relationship.


Hurting people always hurt people. Healed people bring healing and healthy contributions to a relationship.